Dashed. The hurting has stopped and then a new blow comes, though I thought the storm had passed. It hasn't. The awfully overpowering temptation is to wallow in self-pity, or fall into my little safety net- the one I only use for emergencies- of apathy. I don't care. No. Shan't care. Won't care. Won't ever, ever care.
But we can't live without caring. Caring is human, beautiful. We must care. But it hurts.
I've been here before, and I know what this chapter is. It is a lesson; always a lesson. I know one thing in this and that is that there is a plan, and this will work out for my good and for his glory. Always. I know this, because I have learned that he is forever faithful.
I am learning how to grow when it appears that there is nothing to do but sit tight and ride it out. Obedience, dependance, patience.
God is the only way through. There is no way around, over, under, or out of it. I must be prepared to go through in obedience; peacefully, lovingly, hopefully, without anger. This is life. I need to learn from it. I need to grow.
It cannot be done alone. Dependance on God for the obedience we need is so difficult to obtain, and yet, the relief that comes from sacrificing self with the profound knowledge that Jesus is better is full and rich. It is right, feels true, and gives us peace.
Obedience will always call for dependance on God, and dependance on God will always call for obedience. One cannot fully exist without the other, and both together create one of the most beautiful spiritual enigmas ever to be found in the wide space of humanity. And furthermore, they are caught up together, fastened with patience.
It is actually the enigma of patience that led me to think about all this in the first place.
Waiting patiently is an art that I have not mastered, nor ever will, I think. But I believe I've struck something majestic when I say that waiting patiently is almost never passive. Obedience, dependance; they are the 'doing' part of waiting. . . the vital part of waiting.
Life will move us along on its own. Our response to that movement is the important part of the story.
It shows the world how big we believe our God is.