Perhaps once every two or three days I will sit in my haunt and spill out my heart for half an hour or so. I started this habit on December 21st of 2011, and have never stopped, for many reasons, but above all, because writing with my fingers clears the mess in my head. Also, because I love stories, and mine are the ones I often forget. I can't forget them now that they are written down. And I get to watch myself grow, and even though that is often a humiliating thing to watch, it is still rewarding. You learn from every mistake if you take note of it.
The best part of journalling is being able to read it over and over and over again. Here are some of the things that arrest my attention when I flip through the pages of old notebooks.
December 21st, 2011
"Today was beautiful. I went to the Ks to help N out with her mum's surprise birthday afternoon tea. We ended up going to the park by their house and taking photos. That girl has such a gift. Some of the photos look so incredible. The lighting, the angle, everything...spectacular."
January 4th, 2012
"Today, lying on the trampoline, looking up at the sky, it hit me that I am alive."
January 26th, 2012
"I refuse to believe that my lungs and the air they breath, my hands and feet, and the blood that shows itself when we're cut is just part of some accident that mistakenly reminds us every day that WE ARE ALIVE."
February 10th, 2012
"In a breath, we are worth nothing. Then Jesus died for us. All of a sudden, Jesus' infinite worth became ours, and we are now the most worthy beings in the universe."
April 8th, 2012
" ...I should say what I'm going to say as if I were speaking to the mirror. Without malice, but with complete assertion and respect. It's hard. It cut like a knife; I feel awful. But God is faithful. I didn't strike out this time. God tugged at my heart, and I replied with a simple "okay"."
May 20th, 2012
"The poor thing. Daddy pulled up the car, and he and I got out and ran back to it. The creature was lying on the side of the road where it had rolled itself. Some other guy had seen it and ran over. Another guy pulled up. No one knew whose it was, but it was still in complete agony. The poor cat twitched and shook, and I stroked him 'til he died."
September 9th, 2012
"The spring air is beautiful. I am sitting on the front step with my coffee and journal, and just feeling that beautiful breeze on my face. The bubblegum flowers have bloomed, and their scent is washing over the place. Oh how divine. I am sure that Heaven will have a heightened form of that smell somewhere in its infinite reaches."
September 20th, 2012
"I thought I was kind of over him, I'd moved on, stopped hurting myself, I guess, and then I saw him again[...] You see? The heart wants and the mind justifies."
October 8th, 2012
"Last night was pretty incredible. I sat down at the piano, and was praying for inspiration to come when an idea came into my head. I took it out on the piano and it sounded good. I put my voice to it and it sounded better. I got out my music recorder and started playing. It was beautiful. I really really really liked it. I finished, and just as I did, Dad said the most brilliant thing, 'Is that yours?' and when I answered yes, his mouth dropped, and he couldn't say a word for a couple of moments. I couldn't stop laughing. It is the best feeling to be mistaken for a pro."
November 18th, 2012
"Marvellous. I was so stupidly flooded with weakness that I couldn't hold the coffee cups, almost put a tablespoon of coffee grounds into a mug, and spilt the eventually-made coffee all down my leg."
December 13th, 2012
"Christmas. Mmmm. It is in the air so romantically, so Miracle-On-34th-Streetly that I am calm and excited at the same time. I have all the christmas presents for my family bought, wrapped, and under the tree."
January 14th, 2013
"Mum suggested that I halt myself whenever I start speaking less than beautifully of others. That was the day before yesterday she said that. I should have remembered it tonight. What kind of a friend tells another about the failures of another?"
January 19th, 2013
"The 'A's are over for last night and tonight. The general reason for this is so that we can all watch the last two Harry Potter movies together. It's a great idea, and I am enjoying myself, immensely."
January 24th, 2013
"I had a stand-up argument with those two women, and eventually, they won the spot. But I feel bad for what I said. I didn't speak with love. I didn't show Jesus. I just said damn well what I wanted to, and it wasn't what God would have called, 'being an ambassador for Christ'."
January 30th, 2013
"On hopping out, E suggested we walk the long way home, following her eight-point-four kilometre jogging route, which, subtracting from it approximately one-and-a-half kilometres gave us an estimated distance of six. It was a beautiful, foggy, green-grass-and-rock-and-dirt-road kind of a walk. I won't forget the vision of us running across the bright green, waterlogged grass in our barefeet and swimmers along the picturesque road amidst the misty fog."
February 13th, 2013
"This morning, at McDonald's, coming out the door with a latte and green tea, the latte fell over and spilt all over the ground, all over me, and all over my pride."
March 7th, 2013
"The current was thick, whirlpooling in the crevices of the bridge, sloshing twigs and leaves and grass off the banks and pushing itself, with so much force, down the course it had chosen to take long ago. Daddy and I stood there for a minute in our gumboots and wonder. I laughed for the sheer joy of it."
March 28th, 2013
"-a bug has just landed at my feet. He is a little red specimen, and so slow-! He is very deliberately marching across the wooden floorboards of the verandah. How funnily triumphant he looks. He has found a leaf- gone."
April 7th, 2013
"Ooohhh. The wind, the rush, the absolute ecstasy that hit me in the back of that ute as we were doing 70 down the driveway. An uncontrollable grin held my face. My hands were red and white from holding onto the cold, steel bar that was the only thing keeping me upright."